A long time male friend made the comment "God, you're emotional these days!" This made me sit up and pay attention. I couldn't understand where this comment had come from. In my mind, my life was improving. I didn't feel like I was being particularly emotional. I thought that I was just adding more of my personality into the story. I was also sharing more of me and who I was trying to bond with these men and help create the emotional intimacy. Looking back at this now, I can really laugh at myself!
This lead me to wondering how it was that I could have so many female friends yet struggle to maintain male friendships or keep male interest. I began really looking closely at the difference in male and female communication patterns. No wonder I was driving men away, I was starting to communicate and interact with them like they were my girlfriends!
I thought that this would be a good topic for a blog - How to Speak Man!
Through all of my research and reading, I came up with the following suggestions on how as a female to communicate effectively with a man:
1. women on average say three to four times as many words a day as a man. When talking with men, cut down the superfluous words. Keep your sentences short and to the point. Talk with a purpose, not just for the sake of it.
2. as females, we possess this amazing ability to talk and listen at the same time. Men do not have this ability. They can either talk or they can listen. When a man is speaking, then listen.
3. men are born problem solvers and women born venters. If you take a problem to a man, expect for him to try and fix it for you. If you don't want it fixed, he will wonder why you are talking about it. If you want to be listened to for an how with only empathetic nods, a girlfriend might be a better choice.
4. if a man is the only person that you have to talk to and you need to vent, then tell him that you just need to be heard. Tell him that speaking aloud helps you to solve your problems. If he looks totally perplexed by this - call a girlfriend!
5. when speaking to a man, stay firm to purpose on one topic. Unlike us women, men do not have the ability to follow conversations jumping all over the place. Keep the heavy emotional intonations out of your voice where possible. If trying to attract a man, use higher pitches!
6. If you need to sort out an issue with a man or sit down and speak to a man, then give him a time, agenda, and your expectation. Men don't just catch up to chat like we do. Observe men watching a game together. They rarely speak except on commercial breaks or to abuse the umpire!
7. try and limit your facial expressions. Men rarely change their facial expressions when speaking. Women's faces are quite animated. Men can find this disconcerting.
8. substitute phrases like "I feel" for "I think". It's okay to have your feelings. Thinking says to a man that you are less likely to break down and cry, Heaven forbid!
9. Keep the feedback coming through positive. It takes five positive statements to overcome on negative statement. Men need to know that they are appreciated and that you are happy! If you have a problem with a man that you need to address, make sure that he knows all the things that he is doing right for you, too. Men leave us because they no longer feel good around us anymore. Let them feel good in our company.
10. be direct with men. Men do not get subtlety. "Gee, I wish someone would take out the bin and empty it once in a while" is highly unlikely to evoke a response. "Honey, would you please start emptying the bins for me?" will. Use "would" instead of "could". Men can do lots of things for you. Whether they will or not is an entirely different story.
11. Men talk in practical and problem solving terms and are very literal. Women can be very emotive. Be careful when speaking with a man about using terms like "you always". That is the point that you will lose him on the discussion. The man will most likely turn around and start giving you very practical examples of the times that he "didn't" so that "always" is not correct.
12. Men are more comfortable in silence. Men feel nagged by women because we talk and interact so much more than they do. Just as we like to problem solve by vocalising what is whizzing around our busy minds, men problem solve by keeping things in their minds.
13. Most women have noticed at one stage or another that many men come home from work and do something solitary. We can home and tell the world every detail from the office. When we talk to men we need to be careful before starting to ask question after question after question about a man's day. Men will feel interrogated. Men will also be unable to problem solve and put things in to order in their minds as they cannot speak and think at the same time. This is where women will often say that men don't listen, and men will say that women "nag". Listen for the cues on when to talk. If you are only receiving grunts and one word answers - he's processing his own stuff. He can't do what you and I do and process ten things at the same time. This is very different to not wanting to - he just can't. Men are just not wired that way.
14. reassure yourself that if a man is in your company and not saying a lot - he is with you. Men can have comfortable silences far more easily than women. Sitting with you comfortably and not talking can be his way of yelling from the rooftop that he enjoys your company!
