Break-ups, breaks, death, issues with friends and family, and other emotional triggers are such turbulent times for anyone going through them. All of these things can start the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The intensity of the feeling and size of the issue will dictate how long this grieving process lasts.
Two years ago, I had my heart absolutely smashed. I had known the man for 15 years. My friend just did not see me in a romantic way and did not feel the same way about me. It never, ever occurred to me that we would not ultimately wind up together. Never. Quite frankly, I don't think it occurred to anyone who knew both of us either.
I cried every morning for two weeks as soon as I woke up and slung my feet over the side of the bed. I cried during the day. I cried myself to sleep each night. I wasn't sleeping well. Life lost all meaning and purpose. I don't know how I managed to get my children to school and pick them up each day. I don't know how the day to day things like washing and shopping got done. It was such an incredibly painful experience. I couldn't tell me friends. I couldn't speak about it. It hurt too much. Many people around me still don't know this story.
I have had two long term relationships end one of eight years and one of eleven. The ends of these relationships were easier to deal with than what happened two years ago with this man. I was totally smashed and totally shattered in a way that I had never experienced before. My heart was completely and totally broken. Time with someone is not a good indicator of the depth of feeling that can occur.
Whether I have done the breaking-up or someone has broken up with me, I find the break-up process very painful. The transition and change from coupledom and my hope for a future back to single-town is tricky. I am like a rudderless boat being washed around in a storm. The most difficult parts for me have been the loss of the routine; the rejection; and the loss of my created fantasy future.
I have noticed over the years that I just don't roll through problems like other people. I find it harder to deal with emotional events. Maybe I am just more sensitive than the average person. Maybe I am not as attuned to people and picking up coping skills like others. Maybe I just stop needing to analysing to death why I do the things that I do!
So how is it that some people sail through the grieving process with just grazes that go on to heal? Yet others, like me, seem to have deep wounds that leave scars? It all comes down to our ability to cope. So what do you do if you are one of those people like me that were never really taught how to cope? My mother didn't cope and still doesn't cope well with many things. She could not teach me the skills that she doesn't have herself.
People like us have to take control of ourselves, our lives and be responsible for our emotions. We need to learn to cope and learn fast. We can potentially and easily make our inability to cope other people's problems. This leave's friends and family running for cover when we yet again call in tears or in a negative mind set, worsening the aloneness that we already feel. It's our responsibility to deal with our issues, not other people's responsibility to fix us. We all hear stories about "psycho exes" and probably can think of one or two of our own. I don't want you and I to be the feature character in any of these stories now or in the future.
The single biggest difference between people who move through break-ups more quickly than others is their ability to zero in and focus on what wasn't working in their relationship. They keep this at the forefront of their mind. These people take a REALITY CHECK not a fantasy check. They focus on the reality of what was really happening only. This means leaving out the would of, could have's, imaging the emotional reaction's of other people etc. It's all the head "chatter". These are about things that haven't happened yet.
The people who cope deal with the here and now and what is real only. They keep to a minimum thoughts and actions like clumping the break-up with fantasy; conversations that never actually took place and probably never will; and planning ever strategy and tactic for any future meeting with the man. All in all, the whole thing is kept much simpler and cleaner.
Take out a piece of paper and a pen. Switch off the emotional part of the brain. Start writing. If in a break-up situation, what wasn't working for you in the relationship that has just broken up? Paige Parker has an excellent set of questions in "Break-up Breakthrough" to address exactly this. It could be the big stuff like not enough emotional support or him carrying way too much baggage causing an on-going "push / pull" situation.
Include all of the trivial things like the malformed mole that was on his back and grossed you out or his scaly mate that gave you the creeps. For example, when my marriage ended and I felt down, I kept remembering the collection of toe nail clippings in the bed side drawer that never quite made it to the bin. UGH!!! I still shudder today at the thought. Write it ALL down. Be BRUTAL. Then keep this list with you for reference and focus on it.
Be firm with yourself and honest with your thoughts. Are you are mostly upset about losing him or mostly upset about what could have been "if only....". "If only" never happened and is not the reality of the relationship. "If only" is not the truth of what happened.
Us women are notorious for getting into relationships expecting men to change. They don't. We are incredibly creative in our minds when it comes to our imagined future and happily ever after fairy tales with our partners. None of this is real. None of it. This is your fairy tale and your Dreamwork's movie epic mind creation and production. Recreate this movie and fantasy in your head featuring the reality of what wasn't working. Do you want that future so much now? If you do, is it the person or the stability that you are craving and missing? My bet is the security and stability.
When you start to choke up with tears yet again, let the tears fall. Tears are good and they reset our serotonin and other neurotransmitters in our brains to help use feel better. Don't let other people "plug-up your tears"! They are normal and allowable. However, this is also not an open invitation to allow yourself to wallow in self pity forever, either. Challenge yourself with what thoughts are causing you to be fixated wand miserable. Are the thoughts on what could have been or what actually was? Are the thoughts about wanting to fix up something that you could have done better?
Hang with the people that you trust and make you feel good only. This is not the time to visit your parents if they are likely to tell you "well, I am not that surprised. You can be a real nagger, you know!". Or for Grandma to point out in her day she was already rearing teenagers by the time she was your age. Or the happily married friend who can see everything that you are doing "wrong" and wants to point it out as she is passed remembering how bad this feels. This well intentioned friend wants you to have her domestic bliss, too. Stick with the people that will support you, understand where you are at, and remind you what is good about you until you can remember yourself.
Are you all aware that it takes us ladies about two weeks to reset the hormonal changes from a break up? When we are in love or in lust we produce different hormone levels. Nature wants us to stay with our partners to populate the experience so it gives us happy hormones when together to make sure this happens! Be gentle on yourself and give your body time to do what it needs to do. If you want to be angry, rant at Mother Nature!
This is why no contact periods are so important in break-ups. We need that time to allow our bodies to return to our default settings. Contact will impede this process and leave us needing to restart all over again. We go through a period of "withdrawal" just like someone putting down a drug.
You are not going to stay permanently loopy with these massive mood swings forever, I promise! Your body's dopamine levels have just sky dived and crashed. You must GIVE TIME TIME to emotionally and
physically heal so your brain can reset. This can't be rushed no matter how much you want to reach the end of the pain.
To keep our focus on reality, we need to stay present. How do you stay present? This is achieved by consciously engaging each and every one of our senses i.e. sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell. Stop and look around you. What can you see with your eyes? What are the colours that you can see? The objects? The people? What can you hear? Are there birds? A dog barking? A phone ringing? What is every word that person is saying or that you can hear on the TV? What can you feel with your body? Are you sitting in a chair with a soft or hard seat? Do you have a drink with you? What does it taste like? How does it smell?
Being present is a vitally important skill to master for coping. Why? Because we only ever have to deal with what is in front of us at this very moment in time. Once this moment has passed, then it's gone forever. We can't deal with the future until it arrives. It's not here yet and the future is nothing more than a fantasy at this point in time. Focusing on the future and trying to cover all bases will lead to many feelings of being more out of control. The past is done and cannot be change. The only reality that you ever have to deal with is what is happening this very second. Forget the past and the future. All that you need to deal with is right now.
Reward yourself for coping every second, every minute, every hour, and every day that goes past. Keep track of your progress. Right now, as you are reading this, I have great news for you! For this very second you are coping with your break-up. Well done! See, you can do it!!! Don't try and tackle your past, present and future as one almighty bundle. It's wasted energy and completely pointless. "Stress and worry is paying interest on a debt that you might never owe".
Are you able to accept events as they are? One of my issues in coping is that I don't want to accept the things that upset or hurt me. I want to change events because feeling the feelings can at times just plain suck. I can't alter the past that has already happened. I can't alter a future that hasn't happened. I can't change other people, places or things. The only power that I have is to focus on myself. If I am feeling out of control, then I am not accepting and trying to bring control to something that I have no control over! Keep challenging yourself: are you trying to change the unchangeable and / or control the uncontrollable?
When emotions are running rampant, my personal observations are that people have five ways of coping. We can:
1. talk it out
2. write it out
3. work it out
4. block it out
5. sit it out
The need to get things "out" is natures way of wanting us to do something with the biochemical cascade from the "flight or fight" response.
I am a "venter" from a long way back. Hence I talk it out. I need to be careful as this can be draining for other people. Men in particular can find venting overwhelming with their innate need to "fix" problems. From someone who has learned the hard way, save venting for your girlfriends where possible. If you are going to cover the sound ground more than twice, talk to a different person or engage a psychologist, counsellor or coach.
If you are upset - don't ever underestimate the power of a brisk walk; grabbing a scrubbing brush and attacking the floor; cleaning out some cupboards; or pulling out those weeds in your garden. Heck - offer to weed an elderly neighbours garden if you need to! Walking around your local shopping centre or more mall is a great way to exercise if it's too hot or too cold to be outside. It's easy to walk a long way around shops without realising it.
Getting moving and the suggestions above are not about being a good Stepford Wife or waging war against the feminist movement. Having our bodies physically move assists the body to process the adrenaline and other emotion creating hormones pumping through our bodies. We release our feel good endorphins when we move our bodies. It's a natural "pick me up". Interestingly, anything involving "ordering" like sorting out your kitchen cupboard or wardrobe can also assist in ordering your thoughts more logically. Again, this engages a different area of the brain.
Blocking it out means any activity that distracts your mind away from the issue until we can view this more objectively. This may be watching a movie; immersing yourself in study; being of service to someone less fortunate. Anything but thinking about what has taken place.
Sitting it out involves being present with your feelings trusting that they dissipate with time. I cool off in about two hours, and can respond objectively in three days to a sudden issue. With break-ups, the world has ended and life is over for the first 48 hours. After that, I start to feel better. This is my "normal". Know your own reactions and time frames on how you deal with things. You learn this by observing your own patterns.
I am starting to "park" emails, text messages, and phone calls that could be emotive for three days. I do this by noting the issue in a paper diary on the day it happens. I note when I can respond to the issue in my diary, too. I more often than not find that at the end of the three days, I don't feel the urge or need to do anything. IF you can trust yourself, type that text message then delete it.
Make sure that you coach yourself through tough times. When you do a great job, acknowledge this to yourself and others! Pat yourself on the back for not sending that scathing text message. Make a mental note when you were able to "sit out" a highly emotive response until you have calmed down. Draw on this experience next time something happens and your emotions are going rampant. Keep coaching yourself and reminding yourself that you will get through this because you have done it before.
For example, I was driving home two days ago from a camping trip when I received a quite nasty (and incorrect) message from the children's dad. I kept telling myself over and over and over the anger and indignation will pass in two hours. I also handed my phone to my son and let him use Google Maps for safe keeping! I know my own weaknesses. Compulsion is one of them!
This leads to my next point - forgive yourself. We all make mistakes and have our flaws. What would you say to your best friend if they had made the same mistake or mistakes as you? So give yourself the same compassion and empathy. The more that you "fight" yourself wanting to change things that you have done in the past, the longer you will take to move through the break-up and grieving process. You will become "stuck". End the struggle, make peace with yourself, forgive yourself and be your own very best friend. Accept your mistakes and accept and love yourself for who you are.
To cope effectively, you need to be aware and own your own "stuff". I am a big believer that the stronger that people react, the more they know deep down there is truth or somehow they "deserve" what has happened. We react and become emotive because of past experiences. for example, I don't deal well with rejection from men. This is more than likely due to childhood issues and a difficult relationship with my father.
Our emotional reactions are about 90% related to past events as opposed to the issue currently in front of us. Deal with the past rather than taking the past out on the current event and people. It is so important in coping to be aware of your own personal triggers. What makes this strategy so powerful is that this gives you your power back and places the issue in true perspective.
Saying this - don't make other people's "stuff" yours by taking it on board. Ask yourself if the other person is behaving appropriately or rationally? Every other person has emotions just like you and I and can act on them equally as rashly. No one is perfect. Their "stuff" is not about you. It's about their reaction that is 90% based on their past. This is nothing to do with you!!!
Be careful not to "clump" issues . Just because John dumped you on your head, followed by you dumping Martin, then a mutual agreement with Sean that things weren't working out, followed by Tom breaking your heart yesterday - this doesn't mean that you are fundamentally defective and flawed when it comes to relationships! Deal with the current break-up only not every single one of them all together and what they mean a whole! The fact that you have had a relationship speaks in volumes that you are attractive to men. Focus on what was had, not what it could "mean".
Keep regular track of where are you up to in the grieving process. Are you in denial, anger, bargaining, depression or acceptance? If you are as angry as all get out, celebrate! You have already past stage one of denial. If you have downloaded a couple of e-books about getting him back you are in bargaining (actually, I might personally own five of these e-books...!). If you are in temporary depression celebrate even more because you are right near the end of your process of grieving. That is so exciting because you have nearly made it!!!
N.B: if the depression is lasting for more than two weeks, or you want to harm yourself with suicidal ideation, you need to seek urgent medical attention pronto. This is full blown depression, is not temporary, and you need medical help. You do not need to feel this way and life does not need to be this hard.
I hope this gives you all some hints and tips on how to keep going. So:
1. stay present;
2. be reality focused
3. keep working through life moment by moment;
4. be kind and forgiving to yourself;
5. be your own best friend;
6. coach yourself and keep track of your progress and achievements as you move through;
7. accept that your body has biochemical changes that need to happen;
8. hang out with the people that make you feel good;
9. get busy! and
10. write it out, talk it out, work it out, block it out and / or sit it out
Grieving is a process not a destination. Give time time. You will get there and you will be okay. I promise.
Oh, by the way, these days I am glad that I didn't wind up with that friend of 15 years. I can see that he was not right for me. I never thought I would think that way about that man. Yet, today I do.
Love and friendship
Leanne xo
