I have just been reading through a Facebook furore, and a sudden glut of articles about "why men cheat". One thing that is standing out to me more and more and more is that women are talking about men like only men cheat on their partners.
I have just posted on the Facebook site that for every man that cheats, there is also a woman involved. Last time that I checked, there is not some disproportionate number of females to males on this planet. For every man that cheats, he has an accomplice in a female. There is also an equal number of women out there that cheat, too.
I challenge all of you to stop thinking that it is just men that stray in relationships. Equal numbers of women do, too! Redefine this question to "why do PEOPLE cheat?"
Before I go any further, I need to state something very clearly: I loathe, and I mean LOATHE the word "cheat". "Cheat" is something that people do on school tests. The only person effected is the person who cheated on the test.
Infidelity is not some school yard antic. To sleep around on a partner can be devastating to the other person; destructive to the relationship; tear families apart; leave people doubting themselves and their self esteem for a long time to come; and if unsafe sex is practiced can be downright dangerous and life threatening to the unsuspecting partner. The impact that can arise from infidelity goes far beyond the school yard implication of "cheating".
When it comes to the basic's of relationships, men and women are the same. We all want to be loved, respected, appreciated, and left feeling good. Really. Yes, we have our differences. But there are many, many similarities.
Relationships break down and people "cheat" because of a myriad of reasons.
1. They stop feeling good within the relationship.
2. They seek support outside of the relationship in another person for an unmet need within the relationship.
3. They stray in hope that something in their principle relationship will change.
4. They may be unfaithful because they have children and want to stay together for the sake of the kids.
5. They cheat because they fear never sleeping with another person outside of you again.
6. They do this because they confuse "companionship love" (what we feel after about three years in a relationship) with no longer being "in love" with their partner. They meet someone else and that spark and the "in love" hormones re-ignite leaving them thinking something is really wrong in their current relationship.
7. They cheat because, well, they just can! This way they can have their cake and eat it too
8. They cheat because they fear that there is someone better for them out there than you. They think you're it, but just need to keep making sure.
9. They cheat because they are fundamentally dishonest and / or selfish. They want their cake and to eat it, too!
10. They cheat because of their own insecurity and the need for further conquest
11. They cheat because it's a challenge and they like the excitement of what they can get away with
12. They cheat because of childhood and self esteem reasons, and the need to find reassurance that they are still attractive and likeable to the opposite sex.
13. they cheat because they have sexual addictions and have no ability to control the desire to have sex with someone else.
14. they cheat because their need for the value of honesty is not as high as yours
15. they cheat out of anger to "get you back"
16. they cheat to avoid losing financially in a separation
17. they cheat they love you but are not as sexually attracted to you as they could be and don't know how to deal with this problem
18. they don't love you enough and don't want to hurt you by breaking-up (daft, I know!)
19. they cheat because they have gone on a total alcohol /drug bender and it has warped their thinking
20. they cheat because they don't know how to deal with the relationship problem in front of them and see this as the easy way of avoiding the more challenging tackling of the real issue.
This is some of many reasons why people can be unfaithful in a relationship.
I have to ask you one question now: what is the commonality in each of the 20 reasons that I have just written down? There is one. Take a really close look...
Have you seen it yet...?
It's the word "they".
Infidelity / being unfaithful / cheating is all about how the other person is feeling and acting without regard for the impact on everyone around them. This involves dishonesty; disrespect to self and you; self indulgence; selfishness; irresponsibility to name just a few things. This can have massive ramifications for all involved. Is this something that you really want in a person and relationship? For some people this is a non-negotiable relationship end. For others, they will work through this.
Infidelity is a symptom of a much bigger problem within the person and / or the relationship. Like with any break-up issue, I want the people asking this question to take a really deep look inside of themselves. I bet you do know why that person was unfaithful to you. I bet that you did see the signs but like most human beings, gave the person the benefit of the doubt. There is nothing wrong with this.
Why you are asking is to seek reassurance that this is not somehow about you being somehow defective; undesirable; that you did something "wrong"; that you should have "known"; and that you are scared people will know the little things that you chose to ignore and think that you are "silly". I am telling you now - you are just fine just the way that you are! The other person has behaved really badly.
For people who are cheated on regularly (happened three or more times in relationships), I challenge you to look at your own thinking. I can bet my bottom dollar that somewhere deep down you believe that you will always be "cheated" on. You are putting this out there and pulling it in to your life. Be angry with me for daring to write this. Rant and rave as much as you like about how it is not your fault. But also be brutally honest with yourself. Do you have an expectation or ongoing fear that you will be cheated on?
Have I ever had a partner / boyfriend / husband be unfaithful? I don't know. With my ex-husband, more than likely. Who knows? Who cares? Why would I want to or need to know? My ex husband I were together for eleven years, so how can I be this flippant? Because I know it is about him. That's why I don't need to know. Other people behaving badly is "their stuff".
What I did do when I had an inkling about my ex husband, however, was to go and have myself screened for STD's. I suggest that you do the same if you have had unprotected sex with this person. This will give you peace of mind and protection for future sexual partners. This was about looking after me, and being responsible for my health now and in the future. No, it's not a nice thing to go through, but I see this as essential. Confide in someone and enlist their support if needed.
So next time you are asking yourself the question of why that person cheated, ask yourself "why do I need to know?" and "why am I so scared this is about me?". Then address the fear behind the question. This is where you will find your answer, not from the other person.
And between us girls - the first thing I did after I split with my ex husband was have an almighty fling with one hot and mighty fine man. Yep, if he had been sexually unfaithful, then it certainly wasn't because of me!!! ;) lol :)
Love and friendship
Leanne xo
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