Hi Everyone
I had a dating experience today that rated a mention. I have a profile set up on a well known on-line dating site. I was contacted by a man who wished to get to know me better.
As things go, I started finding out some information about this man. In order to impress me he then resorted to name-dropping. This man claimed to be really good friends with a well known reformed harden criminal who was associated with multiple murders. This man had the photo's to prove it.
Needless to say, I am no longer joining him for a coffee. Reformed or unreformed, associating with criminal elements is just too risky for me personally.
This lead me to thinking that I would write an article about how to stay safe in this world of dating. Online dating is very much the "norm' for meeting people these days. Then there are places like the supermarket and the beach where you meet people. All up, you really don't know who you are going out with when you are dating people like this. Going on a blind date is a very common experience that most dating women will encounter.
Here are the tips and tricks that I use to ensure my safety when dating as much as reasonably possible. I don't go to the stage of being paranoid. However smart women take care of their personal safety when dating.
1. whenever I am asked out on a date, I always take a contact phone number to call the man on "in case something comes up urgently and I have to reschedule". I never say "cancel" as it sounds like I am trying to find a a better option in between. I use the word "reschedule". I am yet to meet a man that has said "no" to this request. I have always been given a phone number.
2. when I have the chance, I block my phone number on my telephone. I then give the contact phone number that he gave you a quick call. This is to verify that I have his number rather than some random set of digits. Don't do this straight after you hang up from him where it is really obvious. Wait a little while. When I call, as soon as he answers the phone - I hang up. I don't worry whether he thinks it is me or not. Who cares? My personal safety is far more important than worrying about what he thinks.
3. try and set a time constraint for the first date. If coffee - for me the date is given one hour. A meal is allocated two hours. This is enough time to have a chat and get to know a bit about someone. This doesn't leave you open for uncomfortable silences or problems if things become heavier than you would like them to. Remember - less is more, and it is okay to give him a reason for that second date!
4. communicate that time constraint to him before the date. Don't worry - he will be equally glad to have an exit strategy in case the date doesn't work. This makes you look like an active "out there" lady with her own life who is not going to suck the life out of him with neediness. This also allows you to drive there. Smart, safe dating women do not get picked up from their residence on a first date by someone that they don't know. This can be saved for future dates. Somewhere else to be afterwards, also known simply as "plans", is very acceptable.
5. where possible, I try and organise the first date to be during day light hours. A long weekend lunch can be good, or a picnic. That first date is always in a very public place. I don't care if evening lighting suits your complexion better! Daylight is safer.
6. enlist the support of a friend before your date. Give your friend:
a. the name of who you are going to meet;
b. your dates contact phone number;
c. the name of the place where you are going to meet;
d. what time that you are going; and
e. what time that you are planning to leave to go home.
7. I ALWAYS call the friend on the way home. If the date is going really well and I want to spend more time with him; a quick trip to the bathroom and a text message to my friend is all that is required. Please remember to do this. If you become notorious for forgetting to "log off", no one will think twice if you are late to check in because you have found yourself in a problem situation. Again, this is your personal safety that we are talking about.
8. if in your gut you meet your date and something is on "high alert" within you, don't be scared to suddenly leave. When I was 26, I left a man within ten minutes. Now, I need to be very clear about this. Danger will come through with a feeling of heightened awareness. I was not panic stricken with my head going flat out - that is my anxiety. Danger is when someone really sets off my radar. When I am seriously sensing danger with someone, my mind is clear. This is also not to be confused with your date being a boring dud. Everyone out there is trying their best. Your job is to leave your date or any person for that matter with their self esteem in tact. Treat other people like you would like to be treated. Everyone, even the most boring of people, have an interesting story to share. As a good date, like a good host - find it and use these date as a practice run. What you don't do, however, is compromise on your safety.
9. seek assistance from the venue if you are worried or have concerns for what ever reason. I personally don't drink alcohol as it makes me ill and I always drive when I go out. A couple of times over the many years, I have felt the need to ask a girl behind the bar for assistance with getting back to my car if a man is giving me the creeps. I have always been helped.
10. with dating, try and screen your dates well first. Casually ask about his family and his children ("I saw on your profile that you have a child..."). See how he views these relationships. See if he brings up his ex and how he talks about her but don't bring this up yourself. I found out one man that I was going to date had recently had a VRO taken out on him from his ex. This told me two things. Firstly, the man was still embroiled in a very messy situation. Secondly, this man had not held his cool and was obviously still very angry. Check what his interests are, how and who he spends time with - "I noticed that you are into football. Do you play? Do you ever get to games?". This is how I found out about the criminal connection for my coffee date today. I asked about his interests and he told me about who he did these things with. It is really important that you do this ever so conversationally. You are not there to interrogate the poor man! You do need to find out some information.
If all else goes to heck, and you are in a bad situation - scream for help and run. Either that or adopt this very clever tip from a German Backpacker. She HAD to take a lift home from a man that she wasn't at all comfortable with. Her car had broken down in a country area right on night time. This very clever girl got her water bottle, swallowed a pretend tablet, then explained to the surprised male driver that she was on antibiotics for a very nasty case of syphilis!
Although it sounds like a lot to remember, you are worth every step of this process. Every man that I have told about what I do has only ever commented that I was "smart" to do that. This includes men that I have then gone on to have relationships with. I have only ever received positive feedback for looking out for myself. Self respect is VERY attractive!
Before you become all paranoid and wonder if it is all worth the risk, the very sad reality is that most women are harmed by men that they know. From the top of my head, I believe that the statistic is roughly 94% of attacked women know the man well. The chances of anything unsafe at all happening to you is very remote. following these few suggestions should keep the other 4% at bay and your dating life fun!
So, happy safe dating everyone!
Love and friendship
Leanne xo
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