The Smart Women's Guide to Dating Safely

Hi Everyone

I had a dating experience today that rated a mention. I have a profile set up on a well known on-line dating site. I was contacted by a man who wished to get to know me better.

As things go, I started finding out some information about this man. In order to impress me he then resorted to name-dropping. This man claimed to be really good friends with a well known reformed harden criminal who was associated with multiple murders. This man had the photo's to prove it.

Needless to say, I am no longer joining him for a coffee. Reformed or unreformed, associating with criminal elements is just too risky for me personally.

This lead me to thinking that I would write an article about how to stay safe in this world of dating. Online dating is very much the "norm' for meeting people these days. Then there are places like the supermarket and the beach where you meet people. All up, you really don't know who you are going out with when you are dating people like this. Going on a blind date is a very common experience that most dating women will encounter.

Here are the tips and tricks that I use to ensure my safety when dating as much as reasonably possible. I don't go to the stage of being paranoid. However smart women take care of their personal safety when dating.

1. whenever I am asked out on a date, I always take a contact phone number to call the man on "in case something comes up urgently and I have to reschedule". I never say "cancel" as it sounds like I am trying to find a a better option in between. I use the word "reschedule". I am yet to meet a man that has said "no" to this request. I have always been given a phone number.

2. when I have the chance, I block my phone number on my telephone. I then give the contact phone number that he gave you a quick call. This is to verify that I have his number rather than some random set of digits. Don't do this straight after you hang up from him where it is really obvious. Wait a little while. When I call, as soon as he answers the phone - I hang up. I don't worry whether he thinks it is me or not. Who cares? My personal safety is far more important than worrying about what he thinks.

3. try and set a time constraint for the first date. If coffee - for me the date is given one hour. A meal is allocated two hours. This is enough time to have a chat and get to know a bit about someone. This doesn't leave you open for uncomfortable silences or problems if things become heavier than you would like them to. Remember - less is more, and it is okay to give him a reason for that second date!

4. communicate that time constraint to him before the date. Don't worry - he will be equally glad to have an exit strategy in case the date doesn't work. This makes you look like an active "out there" lady with her own life who is not going to suck the life out of him with neediness. This also allows you to drive there. Smart, safe dating women do not get picked up from their residence on a first date by someone that they don't know. This can be saved for future dates. Somewhere else to be afterwards, also known simply as "plans", is very acceptable.

5. where possible, I try and organise the first date to be during day light hours. A long weekend lunch can be good, or a picnic. That first date is always in a very public place. I don't care if evening lighting suits your complexion better! Daylight is safer.

6. enlist the support of a friend before your date. Give your friend:
a. the name of who you are going to meet;
b. your dates contact phone number;
c. the name of the place where you are going to meet;
d. what time that you are going; and
e. what time that you are planning to leave to go home.

7. I ALWAYS call the friend on the way home. If the date is going really well and I want to spend more time with him; a quick trip to the bathroom and a text message to my friend is all that is required. Please remember to do this. If you become notorious for forgetting to "log off", no one will think twice if you are late to check in because you have found yourself in a problem situation. Again, this is your personal safety that we are talking about.

8. if in your gut you meet your date and something is on "high alert" within you, don't be scared to suddenly leave. When I was 26, I left a man within ten minutes. Now, I need to be very clear about this. Danger will come through with a feeling of heightened awareness. I was not panic stricken with my head going flat out - that is my anxiety. Danger is when someone really sets off my radar. When I am seriously sensing danger with someone, my mind is clear. This is also not to be confused with your date being a boring dud. Everyone out there is trying their best. Your job is to leave your date or any person for that matter with their self esteem in tact. Treat other people like you would like to be treated. Everyone, even the most boring of people, have an interesting story to share. As a good date, like a good host - find it and use these date as a practice run. What you don't do, however, is compromise on your safety.

9. seek assistance from the venue if you are worried or have concerns for what ever reason. I personally don't drink alcohol as it makes me ill and I always drive when I go out. A couple of times over the many years, I have felt the need to ask a girl behind the bar for assistance with getting back to my car if a man is giving me the creeps. I have always been helped.

10. with dating, try and screen your dates well first. Casually ask about his family and his children ("I saw on your profile that you have a child..."). See how he views these relationships. See if he brings up his ex and how he talks about her but don't bring this up yourself. I found out one man that I was going to date had recently had a VRO taken out on him from his ex. This told me two things. Firstly, the man was still embroiled in a very messy situation. Secondly, this man had not held his cool and was obviously still very angry. Check what his interests are, how and who he spends time with - "I noticed that you are into football. Do you play? Do you ever get to games?". This is how I found out about the criminal connection for my coffee date today. I asked about his interests and he told me about who he did these things with. It is really important that you do this ever so conversationally. You are not there to interrogate the poor man! You do need to find out some information.

If all else goes to heck, and you are in a bad situation - scream for help and run. Either that or adopt this very clever tip from a German Backpacker. She HAD to take a lift home from a man that she wasn't at all comfortable with. Her car had broken down in a country area right on night time. This very clever girl got her water bottle, swallowed a pretend tablet, then explained to the surprised male driver that she was on antibiotics for a very nasty case of syphilis!

Although it sounds like a lot to remember, you are worth every step of this process. Every man that I have told about what I do has only ever commented that I was "smart" to do that. This includes men that I have then gone on to have relationships with. I have only ever received positive feedback for looking out for myself. Self respect is VERY attractive!

Before you become all paranoid and wonder if it is all worth the risk, the very sad reality is that most women are harmed by men that they know. From the top of my head, I believe that the statistic is roughly 94% of attacked women know the man well. The chances of anything unsafe at all happening to you is very remote. following these few suggestions should keep the other 4% at bay and your dating life fun!

So, happy safe dating everyone!

Love and friendship

Leanne xo

Why Did He Cheat - 20 Reasons for Infidelity

Hi Everyone

I have just been reading through a Facebook furore, and a sudden glut of articles about "why men cheat". One thing that is standing out to me more and more and more is that women are talking about men like only men cheat on their partners.

I have just posted on the Facebook site that for every man that cheats, there is also a woman involved. Last time that I checked, there is not some disproportionate number of females to males on this planet. For every man that cheats, he has an accomplice in a female. There is also an equal number of women out there that cheat, too.

I challenge all of you to stop thinking that it is just men that stray in relationships. Equal numbers of women do, too! Redefine this question to "why do PEOPLE cheat?"

Before I go any further, I need to state something very clearly: I loathe, and I mean LOATHE the word "cheat". "Cheat" is something that people do on school tests. The only person effected is the person who cheated on the test.

Infidelity is not some school yard antic. To sleep around on a partner can be devastating to the other person; destructive to the relationship; tear families apart; leave people doubting themselves and their self esteem for a long time to come; and if unsafe sex is practiced can be downright dangerous and life threatening to the unsuspecting partner. The impact that can arise from infidelity goes far beyond the school yard implication of "cheating".

When it comes to the basic's of relationships, men and women are the same. We all want to be loved, respected, appreciated, and left feeling good. Really. Yes, we have our differences. But there are many, many similarities.

Relationships break down and people "cheat" because of a myriad of reasons.

1. They stop feeling good within the relationship.

2. They seek support outside of the relationship in another person for an unmet need within the relationship.

3. They stray in hope that something in their principle relationship will change.

4. They may be unfaithful because they have children and want to stay together for the sake of the kids.

5. They cheat because they fear never sleeping with another person outside of you again.

6. They do this because they confuse "companionship love" (what we feel after about three years in a relationship) with no longer being "in love" with their partner. They meet someone else and that spark and the "in love" hormones re-ignite leaving them thinking something is really wrong in their current relationship.

7. They cheat because, well, they just can! This way they can have their cake and eat it too

8. They cheat because they fear that there is someone better for them out there than you. They think you're it, but just need to keep making sure.

9. They cheat because they are fundamentally dishonest and / or selfish. They want their cake and to eat it, too!

10. They cheat because of their own insecurity and the need for further conquest

11. They cheat because it's a challenge and they like the excitement of what they can get away with

12. They cheat because of childhood and self esteem reasons, and the need to find reassurance that they are still attractive and likeable to the opposite sex.

13. they cheat because they have sexual addictions and have no ability to control the desire to have sex with someone else.

14. they cheat because their need for the value of honesty is not as high as yours

15. they cheat out of anger to "get you back"

16. they cheat to avoid losing financially in a separation

17. they cheat they love you but are not as sexually attracted to you as they could be and don't know how to deal with this problem

18. they don't love you enough and don't want to hurt you by breaking-up (daft, I know!)

19. they cheat because they have gone on a total alcohol /drug bender and it has warped their thinking

20. they cheat because they don't know how to deal with the relationship problem in front of them and see this as the easy way of avoiding the more challenging tackling of the real issue.



This is some of many reasons why people can be unfaithful in a relationship.

I have to ask you one question now: what is the commonality in each of the 20 reasons that I have just written down? There is one. Take a really close look...

Have you seen it yet...?

It's the word "they".

Infidelity / being unfaithful / cheating is all about how the other person is feeling and acting without regard for the impact on everyone around them. This involves dishonesty; disrespect to self and you; self indulgence; selfishness; irresponsibility to name just a few things. This can have massive ramifications for all involved. Is this something that you really want in a person and relationship? For some people this is a non-negotiable relationship end. For others, they will work through this.

Infidelity is a symptom of a much bigger problem within the person and / or the relationship. Like with any break-up issue, I want the people asking this question to take a really deep look inside of themselves. I bet you do know why that person was unfaithful to you. I bet that you did see the signs but like most human beings, gave the person the benefit of the doubt. There is nothing wrong with this.

Why you are asking is to seek reassurance that this is not somehow about you being somehow defective; undesirable; that you did something "wrong"; that you should have "known"; and that you are scared people will know the little things that you chose to ignore and think that you are "silly". I am telling you now - you are just fine just the way that you are! The other person has behaved really badly.

For people who are cheated on regularly (happened three or more times in relationships), I challenge you to look at your own thinking. I can bet my bottom dollar that somewhere deep down you believe that you will always be "cheated" on. You are putting this out there and pulling it in to your life. Be angry with me for daring to write this. Rant and rave as much as you like about how it is not your fault. But also be brutally honest with yourself. Do you have an expectation or ongoing fear that you will be cheated on?

Have I ever had a partner / boyfriend / husband be unfaithful? I don't know. With my ex-husband, more than likely. Who knows? Who cares? Why would I want to or need to know? My ex husband I were together for eleven years, so how can I be this flippant? Because I know it is about him. That's why I don't need to know. Other people behaving badly is "their stuff".

What I did do when I had an inkling about my ex husband, however, was to go and have myself screened for STD's. I suggest that you do the same if you have had unprotected sex with this person. This will give you peace of mind and protection for future sexual partners. This was about looking after me, and being responsible for my health now and in the future. No, it's not a nice thing to go through, but I see this as essential. Confide in someone and enlist their support if needed.

So next time you are asking yourself the question of why that person cheated, ask yourself "why do I need to know?" and "why am I so scared this is about me?". Then address the fear behind the question. This is where you will find your answer, not from the other person.

And between us girls - the first thing I did after I split with my ex husband was have an almighty fling with one hot and mighty fine man. Yep, if he had been sexually unfaithful, then it certainly wasn't because of me!!! ;) lol :)

Love and friendship

Leanne xo

Coping Skills 101 for Break-ups; Breaks; and other Life Challenges

Break-ups, breaks, death, issues with friends and family, and other emotional triggers are such turbulent times for anyone going through them. All of these things can start the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The intensity of the feeling and size of the issue will dictate how long this grieving process lasts.

Two years ago, I had my heart absolutely smashed. I had known the man for 15 years. My friend just did not see me in a romantic way and did not feel the same way about me. It never, ever occurred to me that we would not ultimately wind up together. Never. Quite frankly, I don't think it occurred to anyone who knew both of us either.

I cried every morning for two weeks as soon as I woke up and slung my feet over the side of the bed. I cried during the day. I cried myself to sleep each night. I wasn't sleeping well. Life lost all meaning and purpose. I don't know how I managed to get my children to school and pick them up each day. I don't know how the day to day things like washing and shopping got done. It was such an incredibly painful experience. I couldn't tell me friends. I couldn't speak about it. It hurt too much. Many people around me still don't know this story.

I have had two long term relationships end one of eight years and one of eleven. The ends of these relationships were easier to deal with than what happened two years ago with this man. I was totally smashed and totally shattered in a way that I had never experienced before. My heart was completely and totally broken. Time with someone is not a good indicator of the depth of feeling that can occur.

Whether I have done the breaking-up or someone has broken up with me, I find the break-up process very painful. The transition and change from coupledom and my hope for a future back to single-town is tricky. I am like a rudderless boat being washed around in a storm. The most difficult parts for me have been the loss of the routine; the rejection; and the loss of my created fantasy future.

I have noticed over the years that I just don't roll through problems like other people. I find it harder to deal with emotional events. Maybe I am just more sensitive than the average person. Maybe I am not as attuned to people and picking up coping skills like others. Maybe I just stop needing to analysing to death why I do the things that I do!

So how is it that some people sail through the grieving process with just grazes that go on to heal? Yet others, like me, seem to have deep wounds that leave scars? It all comes down to our ability to cope. So what do you do if you are one of those people like me that were never really taught how to cope? My mother didn't cope and still doesn't cope well with many things. She could not teach me the skills that she doesn't have herself.

People like us have to take control of ourselves, our lives and be responsible for our emotions. We need to learn to cope and learn fast. We can potentially and easily make our inability to cope other people's problems. This leave's friends and family running for cover when we yet again call in tears or in a negative mind set, worsening the aloneness that we already feel. It's our responsibility to deal with our issues, not other people's responsibility to fix us. We all hear stories about "psycho exes" and probably can think of one or two of our own. I don't want you and I to be the feature character in any of these stories now or in the future.

The single biggest difference between people who move through break-ups more quickly than others is their ability to zero in and focus on what wasn't working in their relationship. They keep this at the forefront of their mind. These people take a REALITY CHECK not a fantasy check. They focus on the reality of what was really happening only. This means leaving out the would of, could have's, imaging the emotional reaction's of other people etc. It's all the head "chatter". These are about things that haven't happened yet.

The people who cope deal with the here and now and what is real only. They keep to a minimum thoughts and actions like clumping the break-up with fantasy; conversations that never actually took place and probably never will; and planning ever strategy and tactic for any future meeting with the man. All in all, the whole thing is kept much simpler and cleaner.

Take out a piece of paper and a pen. Switch off the emotional part of the brain. Start writing. If in a break-up situation, what wasn't working for you in the relationship that has just broken up? Paige Parker has an excellent set of questions in "Break-up Breakthrough" to address exactly this. It could be the big stuff like not enough emotional support or him carrying way too much baggage causing an on-going "push / pull" situation.

Include all of the trivial things like the malformed mole that was on his back and grossed you out or his scaly mate that gave you the creeps. For example, when my marriage ended and I felt down, I kept remembering the collection of toe nail clippings in the bed side drawer that never quite made it to the bin. UGH!!! I still shudder today at the thought. Write it ALL down. Be BRUTAL. Then keep this list with you for reference and focus on it.

Be firm with yourself and honest with your thoughts. Are you are mostly upset about losing him or mostly upset about what could have been "if only....". "If only" never happened and is not the reality of the relationship. "If only" is not the truth of what happened.

Us women are notorious for getting into relationships expecting men to change. They don't. We are incredibly creative in our minds when it comes to our imagined future and happily ever after fairy tales with our partners. None of this is real. None of it. This is your fairy tale and your Dreamwork's movie epic mind creation and production. Recreate this movie and fantasy in your head featuring the reality of what wasn't working. Do you want that future so much now? If you do, is it the person or the stability that you are craving and missing? My bet is the security and stability.

When you start to choke up with tears yet again, let the tears fall. Tears are good and they reset our serotonin and other neurotransmitters in our brains to help use feel better. Don't let other people "plug-up your tears"! They are normal and allowable. However, this is also not an open invitation to allow yourself to wallow in self pity forever, either. Challenge yourself with what thoughts are causing you to be fixated wand miserable. Are the thoughts on what could have been or what actually was? Are the thoughts about wanting to fix up something that you could have done better?

Hang with the people that you trust and make you feel good only. This is not the time to visit your parents if they are likely to tell you "well, I am not that surprised. You can be a real nagger, you know!". Or for Grandma to point out in her day she was already rearing teenagers by the time she was your age. Or the happily married friend who can see everything that you are doing "wrong" and wants to point it out as she is passed remembering how bad this feels. This well intentioned friend wants you to have her domestic bliss, too. Stick with the people that will support you, understand where you are at, and remind you what is good about you until you can remember yourself.

Are you all aware that it takes us ladies about two weeks to reset the hormonal changes from a break up? When we are in love or in lust we produce different hormone levels. Nature wants us to stay with our partners to populate the experience so it gives us happy hormones when together to make sure this happens! Be gentle on yourself and give your body time to do what it needs to do. If you want to be angry, rant at Mother Nature!

This is why no contact periods are so important in break-ups. We need that time to allow our bodies to return to our default settings. Contact will impede this process and leave us needing to restart all over again. We go through a period of "withdrawal" just like someone putting down a drug.

You are not going to stay permanently loopy with these massive mood swings forever, I promise! Your body's dopamine levels have just sky dived and crashed. You must GIVE TIME TIME to emotionally and physically heal so your brain can reset. This can't be rushed no matter how much you want to reach the end of the pain.

To keep our focus on reality, we need to stay present. How do you stay present? This is achieved by consciously engaging each and every one of our senses i.e. sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell. Stop and look around you. What can you see with your eyes? What are the colours that you can see? The objects? The people? What can you hear? Are there birds? A dog barking? A phone ringing? What is every word that person is saying or that you can hear on the TV? What can you feel with your body? Are you sitting in a chair with a soft or hard seat? Do you have a drink with you? What does it taste like? How does it smell?

Being present is a vitally important skill to master for coping. Why? Because we only ever have to deal with what is in front of us at this very moment in time. Once this moment has passed, then it's gone forever. We can't deal with the future until it arrives. It's not here yet and the future is nothing more than a fantasy at this point in time. Focusing on the future and trying to cover all bases will lead to many feelings of being more out of control. The past is done and cannot be change. The only reality that you ever have to deal with is what is happening this very second. Forget the past and the future. All that you need to deal with is right now.

Reward yourself for coping every second, every minute, every hour, and every day that goes past. Keep track of your progress. Right now, as you are reading this, I have great news for you! For this very second you are coping with your break-up. Well done! See, you can do it!!! Don't try and tackle your past, present and future as one almighty bundle. It's wasted energy and completely pointless. "Stress and worry is paying interest on a debt that you might never owe".

Are you able to accept events as they are? One of my issues in coping is that I don't want to accept the things that upset or hurt me. I want to change events because feeling the feelings can at times just plain suck. I can't alter the past that has already happened. I can't alter a future that hasn't happened. I can't change other people, places or things. The only power that I have is to focus on myself. If I am feeling out of control, then I am not accepting and trying to bring control to something that I have no control over! Keep challenging yourself: are you trying to change the unchangeable and / or control the uncontrollable?

When emotions are running rampant, my personal observations are that people have five ways of coping. We can:

1. talk it out
2. write it out
3. work it out
4. block it out
5. sit it out

The need to get things "out" is natures way of wanting us to do something with the biochemical cascade from the "flight or fight" response.

I am a "venter" from a long way back. Hence I talk it out. I need to be careful as this can be draining for other people. Men in particular can find venting overwhelming with their innate need to "fix" problems. From someone who has learned the hard way, save venting for your girlfriends where possible. If you are going to cover the sound ground more than twice, talk to a different person or engage a psychologist, counsellor or coach.

If you are upset - don't ever underestimate the power of a brisk walk; grabbing a scrubbing brush and attacking the floor; cleaning out some cupboards; or pulling out those weeds in your garden. Heck - offer to weed an elderly neighbours garden if you need to! Walking around your local shopping centre or more mall is a great way to exercise if it's too hot or too cold to be outside. It's easy to walk a long way around shops without realising it.

Getting moving and the suggestions above are not about being a good Stepford Wife or waging war against the feminist movement. Having our bodies physically move assists the body to process the adrenaline and other emotion creating hormones pumping through our bodies. We release our feel good endorphins when we move our bodies. It's a natural "pick me up". Interestingly, anything involving "ordering" like sorting out your kitchen cupboard or wardrobe can also assist in ordering your thoughts more logically. Again, this engages a different area of the brain.

Blocking it out means any activity that distracts your mind away from the issue until we can view this more objectively. This may be watching a movie; immersing yourself in study; being of service to someone less fortunate. Anything but thinking about what has taken place.

Sitting it out involves being present with your feelings trusting that they dissipate with time. I cool off in about two hours, and can respond objectively in three days to a sudden issue. With break-ups, the world has ended and life is over for the first 48 hours. After that, I start to feel better. This is my "normal". Know your own reactions and time frames on how you deal with things. You learn this by observing your own patterns.

I am starting to "park" emails, text messages, and phone calls that could be emotive for three days. I do this by noting the issue in a paper diary on the day it happens. I note when I can respond to the issue in my diary, too. I more often than not find that at the end of the three days, I don't feel the urge or need to do anything. IF you can trust yourself, type that text message then delete it.

Make sure that you coach yourself through tough times. When you do a great job, acknowledge this to yourself and others! Pat yourself on the back for not sending that scathing text message. Make a mental note when you were able to "sit out" a highly emotive response until you have calmed down. Draw on this experience next time something happens and your emotions are going rampant. Keep coaching yourself and reminding yourself that you will get through this because you have done it before.

For example, I was driving home two days ago from a camping trip when I received a quite nasty (and incorrect) message from the children's dad. I kept telling myself over and over and over the anger and indignation will pass in two hours. I also handed my phone to my son and let him use Google Maps for safe keeping! I know my own weaknesses. Compulsion is one of them!

This leads to my next point - forgive yourself. We all make mistakes and have our flaws. What would you say to your best friend if they had made the same mistake or mistakes as you? So give yourself the same compassion and empathy. The more that you "fight" yourself wanting to change things that you have done in the past, the longer you will take to move through the break-up and grieving process. You will become "stuck". End the struggle, make peace with yourself, forgive yourself and be your own very best friend. Accept your mistakes and accept and love yourself for who you are.

To cope effectively, you need to be aware and own your own "stuff". I am a big believer that the stronger that people react, the more they know deep down there is truth or somehow they "deserve" what has happened. We react and become emotive because of past experiences. for example, I don't deal well with rejection from men. This is more than likely due to childhood issues and a difficult relationship with my father.

Our emotional reactions are about 90% related to past events as opposed to the issue currently in front of us. Deal with the past rather than taking the past out on the current event and people. It is so important in coping to be aware of your own personal triggers. What makes this strategy so powerful is that this gives you your power back and places the issue in true perspective.

Saying this - don't make other people's "stuff" yours by taking it on board. Ask yourself if the other person is behaving appropriately or rationally? Every other person has emotions just like you and I and can act on them equally as rashly. No one is perfect. Their "stuff" is not about you. It's about their reaction that is 90% based on their past. This is nothing to do with you!!!

Be careful not to "clump" issues . Just because John dumped you on your head, followed by you dumping Martin, then a mutual agreement with Sean that things weren't working out, followed by Tom breaking your heart yesterday - this doesn't mean that you are fundamentally defective and flawed when it comes to relationships! Deal with the current break-up only not every single one of them all together and what they mean a whole! The fact that you have had a relationship speaks in volumes that you are attractive to men. Focus on what was had, not what it could "mean".

Keep regular track of where are you up to in the grieving process. Are you in denial, anger, bargaining, depression or acceptance? If you are as angry as all get out, celebrate! You have already past stage one of denial. If you have downloaded a couple of e-books about getting him back you are in bargaining (actually, I might personally own five of these e-books...!). If you are in temporary depression celebrate even more because you are right near the end of your process of grieving. That is so exciting because you have nearly made it!!!

N.B: if the depression is lasting for more than two weeks, or you want to harm yourself with suicidal ideation, you need to seek urgent medical attention pronto. This is full blown depression, is not temporary, and you need medical help. You do not need to feel this way and life does not need to be this hard.

I hope this gives you all some hints and tips on how to keep going. So:

1. stay present;
2. be reality focused
3. keep working through life moment by moment;
4. be kind and forgiving to yourself;
5. be your own best friend;
6. coach yourself and keep track of your progress and achievements as you move through;
7. accept that your body has biochemical changes that need to happen;
8. hang out with the people that make you feel good;
9. get busy! and
10. write it out, talk it out, work it out, block it out and / or sit it out

Grieving is a process not a destination. Give time time. You will get there and you will be okay. I promise.

Oh, by the way, these days I am glad that I didn't wind up with that friend of 15 years. I can see that he was not right for me. I never thought I would think that way about that man. Yet, today I do.

Love and friendship

Leanne xo

Why Didn't He Ask Me Out?

Hi Everyone,

I was away camping last week with my three children as part of a big group. I had a picnic blanket laid out. I was half lying, half sitting on this playing a board game with my daughter. Another girlfriend had joined me with one of her daughters. One of the guys brought a chair over. There was a group of us all sitting around under a tree relaxing in the afternoon.

A man walked past that I had seen at the camp site before. He was HOT, and there was no way I would have missed seeing him. He stopped and spoke directly to me without acknowledging anyone else in the group. Now, I am no expert at reading "signs" but I was pretty sure that this well built, blue eyed, tanned, earthy, understated surfer man was interested. We had a nice chat. He kept holding my gaze that bit longer than normal. All the "signs" were there. Then he went on his way.

Two days later, my daughters bike needed fixing. I had the same picnic blanket out. I had the bike tipped upside down next to the blanket. I had every tool in the tool kit out appearing like I had some idea about what I was doing. After an hour, I was becoming pretty frustrated. At one point, my daughter burst in to tears and ran off crying certain that I had "really broken it now!".

I heard a voice asking if I would like some help. HOT man was back. He had apparently walked past me three times. I had not noticed. I accepted the help as I had no idea what I was doing. HOT man turned out to have a name. It was Shaun. We chatted for half an hour. He fixed my daughters bike. He made sure it was just right for her. We both sat back and watched her joy as she road off and around. Then Shaun went on his way again.

I needed to leave the following day. I was a bit confused how a man that was giving me "signs" had not taken the step of seeking me out again or asking me out. The eye contact was there. The conversation flowed so easily. The attraction was very obviously there. So what happened?!?

Yesterday, I called the managers of the camp site. I always make a point of talking to the people that run these places and had no hesitation in speaking to Laura. The managers knew this man. Laura, part camp site manager and newly appointed match maker, went off on a mission. She called me back half an hour later. Laura's husband had been in. He knew Shaun. Shaun had a girlfriend that he had been seeing for three years. That's why Shaun had not asked me out.

I was initially a little disappointed. It's so rare that a man makes me stop in my tracks like Shaun did. Then I realised that Shaun had given me a gift. I had been wondering what was "wrong" with my attitude to dating. No one seemed to be REALLY exciting me. I will give most men a chance providing they are not displaying axe murderer characteristics. Shaun had shown me there was NOTHING wrong with my attitude. I will make myself available and become excited if the right man is in front of me.

In the interim, I am able to walk away knowing that this man found me attractive enough to engage me in conversation. Shaun went out of his way to speak to me and to help me. I have gained confidence from knowing that I am on the right track in my hunt for a new man. So, why don't men who are obviously interested ask you out? Because they are not available for what ever reason.

They could be already attached; right in the middle of a nasty divorce and not wanting to involve someone else; working 15 hours a day with no room to devote time to anyone; about to board a plane and leave the country...You get the idea.

Men don't ask because they are not available.

It's not about you. You are not going insane as you analyse every detail to pieces wondering if you somehow read the signs "wrong". They are just not available right then and there.

Take the experience and make sure that it stays as a feather in your cap. This man thought enough of you to seek out your time and company irrespective of the circumstances. You are attractive to the men that you are really attracted to and on the right track!

Love and friendship
Leanne xo

How to Find Balance in Life

Work / Life Balance seems to be a term that is often used a lot these days.  More and more people are working harder than ever.  Technology such as the mobile phone complete with email leave people expecting us to be on their very beck and call every moment of every day.  People are rapidly becoming overwhelmed as they try and balance what they need and the demands of work, family, friends, daily tasks, the unexpected things that crop up, and time to themselves.

Paige talks about "Dating Without Drama" and the importance of maintaining your own life and keeping a healthy balance. So what exactly does a healthy balance look like.  I have copied the following diagram for you to take a look at:



For balance to be in your life, all of these factors must be considered in this diagram. How do you balance out when you consider these?

1.  what proportion of time and how intrusive in to your life is your work?  Work does not need to be just intrusive through the time that you put in.  There can be that sense of not being able to switch off at the end of the day.

2. self care / sport exercise:  what is an acceptable exercise regime for you? Are you achieving this?  Self care regimes can be anything from allowing yourself time to soak in the bath; applying a nice face cream daily; attending the beautician once a month; or treating yourself to a cup of coffee whilst flicking through a magazine for some time to yourself.

3. Community Activities:  how much do you give to others and how?  Are you satisifed with the level that you are involved?  With three young children, charity needs to start at home for me as a single mum. Community activities are really important for our overall well being, sense of belonging and mental health. All of my elderly neighbours know who I am and have my phone number if they ever need help. Clothing that we have finished with here goes to an op shop that raises money for homeless and injured animals. If I see someone struggling, I will try and help. If someone is short fifty cents in a shopping queue and I have fifty cents to spare, I will give it. If I see someone's dog roaming the street, I will try and stop and see if there is a phone number on the collar and call the owners.  These random acts are all part of these community activities. When we participate and giving for the sake of giving not expecting anything in return, we experience releases of endorphins, dopamine and serotonin. This is a natural mood booster!

4.  Family / Relationships:  how do you feel about the amount of time that you spend in this area?  Is it too much?  Is it not enough?  Do you spend time with people out of obligation or because you enjoy their company?  This part of the pie is very large for me as I have young children.  Yet what is lacking is the time to date and form a relationship.  I am also not contacting my extended family as often as I would like.  How does this look for you?  Ten minutes is ample time to spend on the phone to any person that you don't feel comfortable talking to but obligated.  Create a list of what you can talk about so that the time doesn't wind up on problematic issues. If you catch up, place a time frame on the visit if needed.

5. friends, colleagues and acquaintances: this part of the pie graph is smaller for me and I am okay with that.  I see a lot of people through my children every day.  I look forward to my time to myself!  I try and do one social activity with friends once a week.  This is fine with me and meets this need. In between, I am in contact with friends through text message and phone calls. Do you see your friends enough? What are the quality of these relationships like?  Are the relationships that you have good for you or do you find that they are draining for you?

6.  Religious / Spiritual / Philosphical Concerns/ Meditation:  are you a religious or spiritual person?  is this incorporated in to your week?  Is this balanced? Sometimes we need to be careful that we do not go overboard assisting others to the detriment of ourselves.  I am a spiritual person.  I practice what I believe alongside other things every day.  Each night, I listen to meditation CD's. This works for me.

7.  Hobbies / Interests:  do you have hobbies that you participate in? What do you like to do when you have nothing to do?  Is it watching a movie? reading a book? Doing a jigsaw puzzle? Undertaking a course?  I created an enormous list of things for people to do in their spare time.

8. Future Plans / Short, Medium and Long Term Goals / Vision Board:  do you plan to have a future?  I am a big believer in living in the present.  However, the present is much more effective if we know exactly where we are heading, too.  The setting of goals and planning cut down time associated with uncertainty and lurching sideways like a little boat being blown around in a storm. Goals help you maximise the hours in your day and keep you focused. With any plans and goals that you make, you need to be prepared that they don't always go the way that you hope, and take that in your stride.  Life and other people and things happen despite our best planning and intentions!  Do have goals and time frames.  Set short term goals for the day through to the next three months; medium term goals (3 months to three years) and long term goals three years on wards.  Write down how you are going to get there and what steps that you need to take. Keep these where you can see them regularly.  Review these regularly to assist with accountability. Allow the goals to be tracked.  And most importantly, celebrate your successes!

Remember that there will be variations in the size of each pie piece for each person, and that's okay!  The idea is for this to be balanced to your liking.

Do be mindful where you are spending a lot of your thinking time.  Balanced thought is just as important as balanced action.  Your time spent thinking should be matching up with your ideal pie chart of how your time is spent.  If you only ever think about work, then you need to adjust your thinking.

The next step is to "map" all of this.  Use a calendar template such as the one below and start allocating when you are going to do what.  This will help you visualise your time and see if you are trying to fit too much in to your day or if you are expecting too much from yourself.




None of this has to be "perfect". All of this can be flexible and open to change.  Keep this template and adjust your time priorities as needed.

And this in a nutshell is how to obtain some balance back in to our chaotic lives!

Love and friendship,

Leanne

Finding Time to Date: How to be Organised

I am in awe of how much some people can fit in to a day.  I am also aware of the truth of the saying that "if you want something done, then give it to a busy person".  I used to be one of those highly organised people.  Then life happened.  Children came along, my marriage failed, and basically of all my best laid plans kept going flying out the window.  I am looking at my schedule wondering when and if I actually do have time to fit in any dating.

I have come to the realisation that I need to become organised again.  How do I do that?  How do I prioritise when life seems to be lurching from one thing to the next to the next?  How do I juggle the household?  Work? Children?  Exercise?  Time to myself?

I have compiled the following tips:

1.  create a "to-do" list and keep it with you at all times.  For those with children like mine where things just don't seem to flow, try and not include time frames and the to-do items unless these are essential.

2.  keep a small note book and pen in your handbag.  This is so helpful as you think of items that you need from the shops, you receive a phone call and need to take a number down, or you remember suddenly something that needs to be down.  I have three lists on the go - food shopping; general shopping and hardware items.

3. wear a watch.  I had stopped wearing a watch once I started staying home and looking after the kids. My watch always seemed to get in the way and scratch children, become filthy with cooking, get splashed with bath water, or go through the wash when it had been taken off and put in my pocket.

4.  for things like appointments, set a warning alarm fifteen minutes before you need to leave. I set this on my mobile phone / PDA when I put appointments in. If you are taking children with you, set the warning alarm fifteen minutes before all of you need to start getting ready.  That way the kids are aware that they need to start winding up

5.  use a whiteboard for who needs to be where each week.  Use a different colour for each member of the household.  Include things like school library days, news days, shopping days, cleaning days, sports, appointments, time for homework etc.  That way everyone within that household knows what to expect and when.  This is also great for people like me with a sift for a brain as the kids are quite good at reminding me about that forgotten appointment!

6.  plan, plan, and plan.  I have read that for every minute put into planning, eight to ten minutes in execution can be saved  To plan for attending a 3pm appointment for example, try and be ten minutes early to allow for any unforeseen delays. Aim to be at the appointment at 250pm. If you need to obtain parking, allow time for this say five minutes. you need to arrive at the parking at 245pm. If it takes you half an hour to be ready, then you need to start getting ready at 215pm.  If you need to gather some items for the appointment, start putting these together at 200pm.  Set a warning alarm at 145pm to let yourself know that you are going to need to start finishing up what you are currently doing to get ready for this appointment. Do you get the idea?

7. try and stay routine as much as possible.  Clean the house once a week.  If you have a busy house like mine, the floors are done three times a week. The children's hair is washed on the same day.  Children's appointments and mine are kept to the same days and times where possible.

8. when placing appointments in your diary, block off needed time in the diary.  This included travel time and wait time if the person is likely to run late. This stops you putting yourself under too much pressure.  Block off planning time if needed to.  Use pencil so that you can easily erase whatever you need to.

9. where possible, plan each day in advance.  Look at your diary the night before.  Work out what tasks can be grouped in together.  For example, if you are doing the grocery shopping and have dry cleaning that needs to be dropped off close by, do the two things together rather than on separate days. Have the kids put out their school clothes and pack their bags after they have finished their homework.

10.  block or group your time each day.  For me I have an hour set aside for household tasks, three hours for work, one hour for exercise, then the kids are due home from school again.  If I need to attend to legal matters then no more than one hour is spent on these.

11.  I know that I am more focused and productive in the morning than straight after lunch.  I use the after lunch time for errands and more menial tasks when I wain mentally.  I use my mornings for things that I need to really focus on.

12.  prioritise in to what has to be done, what can wait, what is urgent etc.  Do this by deadlines.  Often the urgent items are not necessarily the ones that are due in first!  Be careful.  Do you have to go to the shops that day or can this wait for two days time?  Yet that email must go that morning, so hop to it!  Ask yourself what is going to be the most valuable use of your time that day?  What are the most important items that day?

13.  we live in a day and time of instant technology.  Everyone expects us to be available as soon as they call or text.  I have great news for you - you don't have to be.  I can't see the point in answering the phone to tell someone that I cannot talk!  I let my calls go to voice mail if it is not convenient to speak or if I have things that I need to do. I am quite capable of ignoring the home telephone, too, when I have visitors in the house or am half way through something. Telephones, emails, faxes and text messages are there for your convenience, not everyone else's!  Make them work for you. I try and not make or take personal phone calls during the day until all other phone calls are out the way.

14.  always finish what you start.  You are far better off to start one task and see this through to completion that start six projects and finish none.  The rest can go in you "to-do" list and stay there.

15.  do the needed small things as you go.  If you see something on the floor, pick it up.  Open the mail when it comes in and keep what needs attending to and throw out immediately what can go out. File things immediately. Empty the bins straight away. Put the folded washing straight away. Wipe down the table straight after a meal before food sets on it. All of these things take very little time.  Staying on top of things makes a huge difference.

16.  clean up your desk at the end of each day.  I am a big believer in my life being best reflected by the state of my bedroom, my underwear drawer in particular!  Untidiness around us can leave us feeling overwhelmed and not knowing where to start.  If you pack away at the end of each day, this creates a fresh day to spring in to each morning.

17.  give yourself scheduled five minute breaks to stretch and refresh your mind.  Make a cup of tea, grab a glass of water, stretch your legs, speak to that person that you have been trying to catch.  This will freshen up your mind and help productivity.

18.  do schedule time for other people, particularly if you are not taking phone calls or answering emails.  I am clearer in the morning and tend to make my calls and return emails then, or in the later afternoon.

19.  do set boundaries with people.  I work from home.  I have needed to be very firm with people that just because I am home, it doesn't mean that I can stop.  Show other people the same respect.  If you make a point of organising times to catch up with friends, they will normally start doing the same and organise in advance.  When stating boundaries, tell people what you can give.  Eg  "Lets make a time to chat about this. Are you free to talk in thirty minutes?".  This acknowledges the needs of the other person and shows them respect.

20.  group things together where possible.  I am starting exercising again.  I am going to put my daily walking up as an activity on the website of a social group that I belong to.  This way I have my social outings and social contact that I need combined with exercise. My children love swimming and the beach, so we are all doing this together as a weekend activity each weekend.  The children and I are also all joining our local surf lifesaving club together.

21.  have tasks for your children to complete.  The workforce and the rest of the world is going to expect your children to know how to pick up after themselves and to show some sort of organisational ability and time management.  I keep my children's toys in containers where the toys are grouped together. Leggo is on one box, cars and trucks another, dolls and dolls clothes in one container. The kids are allowed to have one container out each at a time.  Once that container is packed away, they can then have another one.  A rake is fantastic for picking up Leggo, marbles, and other small toys that have wound up spread from one end of the room to the other.  If the toys are not packed away, then they become "mine" and spend time on top of the fridge. This helps contain the mess so that it is not overwhelming for the children.  Give the children warnings for pack away time so that they are prepared for this.  Pack away time usually works well when their favourite television show is due on and the TV is not allowed on until it's done!  Make sure that there is a positive reward at the end to motivate your children.  My children have their own lightweight vacuum cleaner to use.  They started wiping their feet without fail once that was introduced!

22.  when there is an overwhelming mess to clean up, start in one corner and work your way around.  You will get there - eventually!

23.  if legal in your area, use your car travel to catch up on phone calls that you need to make.

24.  outsource where possible and with what is needed. I have someone who looks after the gardens as I am allergic to dust.  It bothers the heck out of me though if the lawns and gardens look terrible. I used to always have a cleaner, but now that I am single, this is more of a luxury item than a necessity. Keep a list of things for a handy person to do and then get them over when there is a full days work.

25. most importantly, plan to have some fun!  If the day to day things are well managed, you should then have the time and energy for other things like dating.  If you are addicted to web sites like Facebook and Twitter, schedule some time in each day to look at these.  Schedule time in each week to log on to internet dating sites and to go on dates.  If you are happy and balanced within your life, everything else will flow for you, too!

If you have any other tips, please feel free to add them on below.

Love and friendship,

Leanne

How to Speak Man

The more that I have been out and dating, the more feedback that I have had that I am "funny" and that I had personality. I began accentuating these qualities, particularly the personality side when I was around men. Then something began to shift and change. I noticed that whilst I used to be actively pursued by many men, this started to slow down. I sat back and scratched my head wondering what was going on.

A long time male friend made the comment "God, you're emotional these days!"  This made me sit up and pay attention.  I couldn't understand where this comment had come from.  In my mind, my life was improving. I didn't feel like I was being particularly emotional.  I thought that I was just adding more of my personality into the story. I was also sharing more of me and who I was trying to bond with these men and help create the emotional intimacy.  Looking back at this now, I can really laugh at myself!

This lead me to wondering how it was that I could have so many female friends yet struggle to maintain male friendships or keep male interest.  I began really looking closely at the difference in male and female communication patterns.  No wonder I was driving men away, I was starting to communicate and interact with them like they were my girlfriends!

I thought that this would be a good topic for a blog - How to Speak Man!

Through all of my research and reading, I came up with the following suggestions on how as a female to communicate effectively with a man:

1. women on average say three to four times as many words a day as a man.  When talking with men, cut down the superfluous words.  Keep your sentences short and to the point.  Talk with a purpose, not just for the sake of it.

2. as females, we possess this amazing ability to talk and listen at the same time.  Men do not have this ability. They can either talk or they can listen.  When a man is speaking, then listen.

3. men are born problem solvers and women born venters. If you take a problem to a man, expect for him to try and fix it for you.  If you don't want it fixed, he will wonder why you are talking about it.  If you want to be listened to for an how with only empathetic nods, a girlfriend might be a better choice.

4. if a man is the only person that you have to talk to and you need to vent, then tell him that you just need to be heard.  Tell him that speaking aloud helps you to solve your problems.  If he looks totally perplexed by this - call a girlfriend!

5.  when speaking to a man, stay firm to purpose on one topic.  Unlike us women, men do not have the ability to follow conversations jumping all over the place.  Keep the heavy emotional intonations out of your voice where possible.  If trying to attract a man, use higher pitches! 

6.  If you need to sort out an issue with a man or sit down and speak to a man, then give him a time, agenda, and your expectation.  Men don't just catch up to chat like we do. Observe men watching a game together.  They rarely speak except on commercial breaks or to abuse the umpire!  

7.  try and limit your facial expressions.  Men rarely change their facial expressions when speaking. Women's faces are quite animated.  Men can find this disconcerting.

8.  substitute phrases like "I feel" for "I think". It's okay to have your feelings. Thinking says to a man that you are less likely to break down and cry, Heaven forbid!

9. Keep the feedback coming through positive.  It takes five positive statements to overcome on negative statement.  Men need to know that they are appreciated and that you are happy!  If you have a problem with a man that you need to address, make sure that he knows all the things that he is doing right for you, too.  Men leave us because they no longer feel good around us anymore.  Let them feel good in our company.

10.  be direct with men. Men do not get subtlety. "Gee, I wish someone would take out the bin and empty it once in a while"  is highly unlikely to evoke a response.  "Honey, would you please start emptying the bins for me?" will.  Use "would" instead of "could".  Men can do lots of things for you.  Whether they will or not is an entirely different story.

11.  Men talk in practical and problem solving terms and are very literal.  Women can be very emotive.  Be careful when speaking with a man about using terms like "you always".  That is the point that you will lose him on the discussion. The man will most likely turn around and start giving you very practical examples of the times that he "didn't" so that "always" is not correct.

12.  Men are more comfortable in silence.  Men feel nagged by women because we talk and interact so much more than they do.  Just as we like to problem solve by vocalising what is whizzing around our busy minds, men problem solve by keeping things in their minds.  

13.  Most women have noticed at one stage or another that many men come home from work and do something solitary.  We can home and tell the world every detail from the office. When we talk to men we need to be careful before starting to ask question after question after question about a man's day. Men will feel interrogated.  Men will also be unable to problem solve and put things in to order in their minds as they cannot speak and think at the same time. This is where women will often say that men don't listen, and men will say that women "nag".  Listen for the cues on when to talk.  If you are only receiving grunts and one word answers - he's processing his own stuff.  He can't do what you and I do and process ten things at the same time. This is very different to not wanting to - he just can't. Men are just not wired that way.

14.  reassure yourself that if a man is in your company and not saying a lot - he is with you.  Men can have comfortable silences far more easily than women. Sitting with you comfortably and not talking can be his way of yelling from the rooftop that he enjoys your company!